Critical Masshole

Read my reviews! - 38 (Boston)

"definitely the coolest guy in Massachusetts, if not the entire western hemisphere!"
---New York Times

"damn homie, he tha man homie"
---50 Cent

"humble as pie. really arrogant pie."
---The Montclarion

"shockingly brilliant, yet disturbingly smart-assed"
---Utne Reader

"i desire his friendship more than i desire bejeweled platinum jewelry"
---Rick 'superfreak' James

"the best writer since JD Salinger and DH Lawrence, hands down."
---"Amazon.com"

"sexier than robert plant and britney spears wrestling beneath a glorious waterfall of olive oil and glitter"
---Lance Bass

"more fun to listen to than most music, creed and dave matthews excluded"
---the guy from Creed and a guy who likes Dave Matthews

"he's bloody brilliant and raises his game all the time"
---Simon Cowell

"friendly as a kitten on ecstasy, minus the fur and glowstick"
---Cat Fancy

"i would come out of my secret hiding place just for a chance at his friendship."
---Sandy Koufax

"i'm just glad he lets us borrow his clothes"
---the cast from 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'

"he rocks!"
---Hilary Duff

Unable to go eight minutes without a pop culture reference that clearly indicates his age of 37.

A delightful white lad who desires a woman with whom he can hang out with; zoom around the masspike; go to dive-y bars that have good music and strong drinks; watch things (such as people, movies, family ties, clouds, boiling water, growing grass, progressing politics, unfortunate fashion trends, the litter and scum layer that floats on Wollaston Beach, etc.); talk about cool books that we have read/are reading/pretend to have read ("yeah, i LIKED tom wolfe's first one, but it was his other one that really grabbed me"..."yeah i agree, but it's 'ulysses' that i come back to again and again"), likewise with music and interesting facts and general life observations...

please be able to spell, vote, name at least four world leaders, and tell when i am being sarcastic.

i look forward to making your acquaintance, new best friends whom i have yet to meet. we shall have so much fun. don't delay--i can hear the banging at the door, can sense my inbox swelling. act within a reasonable amount of time and receive a handy carrying case AND a limited edition musical plate that plays 'My Sharona.'

Editor's Note: Enjoy SNL Short/Skit "Everyone's a Critic" (slightly NSFW images)

Dino Sex Fake

Editor's Note: The below ad is FAKE. The lovely Be My Bison creates fakes ads and then post all the responses into his/her blog. Thus, be sure to check out the actual responses to this ad, after the jump. (BTW SPA is in the habit of ripping other blogs off, we did after all find the posting far and square.)

Seeking a Sexual Tyrannosaur for a Romp in the Park - w4m (Canada)

I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5'9, 120lb woman who is seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful corporation that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding men who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom.

Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy.

You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor.

I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm.

Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would be Ellie Sadler, digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.

I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.

One Eye, Half a Torso, & Whole Lot of Heart

My Dead Girlfriend is Cuter than your Dead Girlfriend. - 29-w4w (San Francisco)

You heard me. I said it. Your date looks like shit.

My girl is the best. I found her trapped under rubble in the decontamination zone on Masonic. She attacked at first, but after chopping of her legs and bashing out her teeth - we've never been apart.

Notice her swollen neck and the lacerations on her arms. Those aren't from me. I could never hurt my little angel here. The night's she toss & turn all night to be near me. The constant affection. The black trail of afterbirth following behind? That's something we're working on. I love her little torn argyle sweater. I hope she worked at Banana Republic. Those bitches never talked to me - but now I have my own...little...cutie. So yeah - she’s much better looking than your ugly ass girlfriend.

That’s what I want to tell people at my upcoming zombie Christmas party.

I Need a Date.

Editor's Note: This poster should check out Zombie Harmony, a free dating site for zombies. What would the consensus be on dating Zombies? Dead sexy or Dead Wrong? One might think twice before accepting any dinner invitations, that's for sure!

Homophonic Strait Person

I'am a homaphobe, Wheres the cows,land cowboys - 50-w4m (Austin)

God help me! This isnt funny. I'am too old for this crap. Honestly need a real cowboy with real cows. Austin is too sick for me.

Dear I'am a Homaphobe:

Just a quick note: It's spelled 'homophobe'. By using the term 'homa' you are basically stating you are afraid of sacrificial rites or offerings. If you are going to have an irrational fear of something please make sure you use the correct spelling or you could potentially offend the wrong group of people whose choice of lifestyle in no way effects you other than offending the archaic religious beliefs you were brainwashed with since childhood.

Cheers,
SPA Staff

God Given Date

Dear God, - 36-M4W (NYC)

Hi it's me, Eric. How've you been? Anyway, God, I was wondering if you could help me out with this little something. Where have I been going wrong on this dating thing? I thought this would be too easy.

What was with the girl who showed up looking 12 years older than the photographs she sent? Yeah, and thanks a lot for letting her trip on the nail sticking out of the sidewalk. You couldn't catch her for me or at least break the fall?

It happened so fast. Like I really needed to spend 6 hours in the ER because I was concerned about her drive home. That huge Fred Flinstone bump on her head. Yikes it looked like her underdeveloped twin.

And thanks a lot for that unbelievably gorgeous brunette from South America who let me know on date number two that she has a lengthy history of taking anti-psychotic medication. Are you kidding me God?

She wanted me to sign this contract about our future relationship together, where I had to agree to do things like massage her feet at least once a week, how often I had to take her out, etc. No, I swear to you, you sent me this person.

God, I'm not feeling sorry for myself and thanks for everything you do for me, really, but come on Man, send me someone worthy already. Enough is enough. Make her beautiful.

Related: Who would Jesus Date?

Raw Score

Multiple Choice Test - FUNNY - 24 (San Francisco)

First, you have to pass my test to see if you’re worthy of emailing me. Unless of course you’re just into me for my body, in which case you should show up at my place around sevenish tonight. Be sure to stretch first. (Scoring at the end)

QUESTION ONE: The celebrity I’ve been told I resemble the most is Adam Sandler. What celebrity do you resemble the most?

A. Angelina Jolie
B. Sarah Palin
C. The girl from Ugly Betty
D. Joan Rivers

QUESTION TWO: After a few emails and a picture swap, I’ll probably invite you to meet me in a public place for an hour or so, to see if there’s chemistry before committing to a real date.

What are some things you would bring with you on such a meeting?

A. A toothbrush and a pair of handcuffs
B. Adoption papers for your eight kids
C. A can of mace and a sniper
D. A grenade

QUESTION THREE: About all I ask in a potential date is that she be smaller than I am. It just seems the natural order of things – I’m here to carry the heavy stuff and chase away other guys, and you’re there to look pretty and laugh at my jokes.

So, I’m 6', and as of this morning I weighed 190 pounds. I have a size 32 waist, and I wear a ‘large’, not extra large, t-shirt.

You are:

A. Half my size
B. Three quarters my size
C. Twice my size
D. Able to smother me to death with a single meaty arm while simultaneously eating a bucket of fried chicken.

QUESTION FOUR: I was on a date last week. We talked over email for a few days, then met up at a nearby beach. I bought her dinner. She was cute, and she kept touching me. With reckless abandon, I leaned in for the first date kiss, which I never do. The kiss was nice. And as we leaned in for the second kiss, I moved my arm, intending to put a gentle hand on her neck and pull her closer. But she didn’t understand what I was trying to do, and when she saw my outstretched arm, she assumed I was going in for a boob grab, and pushed me away like I was on fire. I tried explaining, but the date was effectively over.

In a similar situation, you would:

A. Give me the benefit of the doubt and believe my intentions were pure.
B. Be disappointed that I WASN’T going to grab your boob
C. Grab my arm, twist it around, and put your knee in my back
D. Scream “RAPE!”

QUESTION FIVE: If you can’t tell by now, I speak English and I write very well. Since our first communication will be via email (if you get up the guts to write me), then I think it’s important for us to both put our best foot forward.

In your first email to me, you will include:

A. A description of yourself, likes/dislikes, and a brief picture of your life.
B. A list of recent sexual conquests, with footnotes and a bibliography
C. A copy of the most recent restraining order filed against you
D. Six hundred pictures of your cat.

Every A gets 10, Bs get 5, Cs get 3, and Ds get 1

If you scored:

40-50 – Email me RIGHT AWAY
30-40 – Email me if you’re really easy
20-30 – Email me if you’re easy AND rich
10-20 – Don’t Email Me. Seriously.
0-10 – Email me and I’m calling the cops.

Related: Exambushed

Picture Pages

Some stuff about me - 30 (SF)